Graduation!

So I just got done talking to the assistant dean and she confirmed that I will be graduating in May!!! :) I have been waiting two semesters for those words, and they are finally here! All I have to do is obtain the signature of my academic advisor, which shouldn't be a problem, and then away I go! Hooray!!!!

Other than that I went to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert on sunday, but I will post about that tomorrow! :)

Becoming Jane...

I am watching Becoming Jane, a story of Jane Austin, my favorite author. The story goes that a wealthy young man of proper birth asks for her hand in marriage and she refuses him. This was unheard of, back then, because she was of such a lesser status than him, she should have accepted him, it was expected of her. Why did she not accept him then? She said that she could not marry without affection, without love, this is ridiculous, since she could go about the marriage with little trouble to herself and be keenly rich and happy. To have a wife, then, with a mind was considered quite improper. Marriage was so easy, so simple, so fitting. Everything that I want in life, children, a family and a comfortable home, used to be given to girls as they reach a marriageable age of 18-20. She refuses to accept what is given to her and repay what her parents did for her and so she is reduced to nothing. She finds love in another man, but his family does not accept her due to her small fortune. She ends up reverting back to the first man that she isn't "in love with", but backs out at the last minute. So in short, she is given a home, fortune and status but turns it down for "love".

It is my thought that she could have learned to love him if she would have went through with the desired union, but she let her feelings get in the way of her common sense. If I was in her situation, I would have married him and done just that. I wish I had been born back then so that I could have what she discarded.

existing piece of matter...

I am tired today due to the most unfortunate of circumstances this evening past. some time before 5 o'clock yesterday I was confided in by a friend and resident of one of the resident halls. She was raped. I won't say names or details, for privacy, but I will say that this was a traumatic incident, even for me, not to mention how she was feeling. So of course I make the required phone calls and inform the authorities as to what happened, then proceed to take her to the ER, located in about 20 minutes away. We arrived there with no trouble, but none of us knew what to expect thereafter. We ended up spending the next 6 hours in the ER. We left by 12 am, at which point we were all exhausted, mentally and physically.

Back on campus, at 12:45, I dropped them off at their dorms and proceeded to a friends house to see her and her boyfriend, for the simple reason of craving their company. You know those friends that accept you, even when you are going crazy? Yep, I have a couple of those, you know who you are, and I wouldn't trade them for the world :)

I have many thoughts to blog right now but I need to sleep some more before that.

Homework and Paperwork...

This week has been the week of homework and paperwork. I revised my usual schedule to incorporate all the work that has to be done. Every spare moment is filled with work and student teaching stuff. My life has turned into an engulfing blockhole of busy work. I was talking to two of my Junior Field group members yesterday, after a meeting we had, the three of us girls just sat and talked for a while. It was nice to just chitchat with some fellow females about our lives and where we came from, and I found out that we have a lot in common. Meditation and vegetarianism mainly. Both of them are married and in graduate school, hence I envy them, of course, and both are exceedingly mature and caring. I attempted to explain to them how my mind works and they listened, being very interested, to my faltering attempt. While talking to them I my mind was picturing my self in 5 or 6 so years, sitting with a group of women friends, chitchatting in a coffee shop, much like the one I so love back home. I, predictively, in this vision, had a large wedding ring on and was handsomely pregnant, drinking an iced tea and smiling happily as we exchanged stories about the week. My cell phone chimed during this vision and it was my husband sending me a picture message of a bouquet of flowers he had just bought me, but I realized in about .0009 seconds that it was my real cell phone that had just chirped, and it was not my husband, but Casey saying to hurry up for dinner. This switched me to thinking about food, vegetables, my beloved restaurant back home and a plethora of other things, so I left the girls and proceeded to dinner.

Well it is now 9:45, time for paperwork. As a last note, I tried sleeping more last night, and I got a whole 7 hours of sleep, remarkably, due to the urging of a new friend. I feel much different today :)

thought...

I want to be done with college. I want to get married. I want to have children. That is what I want. That is what will make me happy. For the rest of my life I want a newborn in my arms, needing my care and love. This is what will make me happy.

That is all for now.

Going home.

I am traveling home this weekend. All the way to Latrobe. Four hours away. Hooray. I will not bore you with details but it involves my parents feelign the need to travel, which is ok with me. I leave Edinboro tomorrow at noon, after my metals class and I am not looking forward to the drive. My legs hurt this week from all the rain and they will be sore the whole way home I am sure. I was sad today because I wanted a to be close to someone but I am still alone. I have Casey and other friends, whom I owe a lot, but it isn't the same. I need to stop being so dependent on others for my happyness, but it is hard, being like me and not being close to people. I thrive on physical touch, and not even in a sexual context, just a hug, a shoulder to lay on, a friends hand to hold; I am addicted to physical touch, but this is not appropriate in society. This is why I learned to give massages, I crave the connection it forms, the direct link to someone elses exsistance. I also just like to take care of people, cooking, cleaning, looking after, that is what I do best. Casey says I will make an excellent house wife someday, and I believe him. That is where I believe I will be truley content, with a home, family and children, lots of children. Everything about me is defined by my innate mothering instinct. For me to be happy I need to be making others happy.