Snow Day Number two

Today is another snow day. Remember back to when you were a kid and how you loved snow days? Yeah well, there nice for a while, until you have absolutely nothing left to do. I am going to be so bored today! Hopefully one of my friends will save me from boredom!

I re-read my post from last night, and realize now that it is quite ridiculous. But no matter, I will leave it up, for the simple matter of that being my thoughts at the time. I really don't know what got into me. It was like someone had just woken up a piece of me that desired that sort of thing. I have always had a problem with the concept of love. Last night I even looked it up in several online dictionaries to see other peoples definition of it.

Now the kind of love you have for friends, I have no problem with. I tell my friends all the time that I dearly love them. It is the romantic love that I seem to be incapable of; all I have is infatuation. I wish I had some one to practice this sort of love on. I need a test. A practice run. A trial. I have to know if I am capable of it. You see, I have only dated one person, and I told this person that I love them, but I am not so sure I actually did. Right now I go through these fazes, in which I become abnormally obsessed with a guy. Actually I have one right now that has been going for about 7 months. I can't seem to get him out of my head. I would rather hang out with him, and 2 others, more than anyone else in the world. I don't think he understands this at all. Of course I cannot tell him about this ridiculous 'love" for it would most likely get us nowhere. I was always told that if a guy liked you he would do something about it. He would make it happen. During my online search last night, I found a peculiar article about sucessful women, women with a brain, scaring men away. I know in stature I am not very ferocious, but in mental state and statement, I am a force to be reckoned with. I will have to work on being normal so that I won't frighten people away anymore.

thoughts.

On average I get depressed at least once a day. Something hits me and sparks feelings that run rampant until I can find something to distract myself with. On occasion it is more like 2 or 3 times a day. Today, for the simple reason of the day starting off on the wrong foot, was one of the more extreme days. I have considered quite a bit within the span of today and I had a very engaging conversation with a good friend of mine. This conversation consisted mainly of discussion of the topic surrounding my endless need for physical comfort. I crave it so badly it hurts. To prove a point, during our discussion, I reached over and put my hand on his knee. I felt instantly more calm. It was like someone had given me a sedative, except this little jolt I experienced in my upper chest, near my neck. I don't know why physical touch does this to me, I don't even know if anyone else has this problem, but I consistently run into problems when attempting to manage it. My friend said that I will go crazy the first time I sleep with someone, and I believe him.

But enough of this now, I must get to bed.

teaching

so i made it to student teaching. it is wonderful and even more than i could imagine it being. I love everything about it, except the lesson plans; the kids and school are all to my liking. i am cooking shrimp for dinner tonight and Andrew is coming over. as you can tell, i am severely lacking adequate sleep, and need to get some of that soon. that is all.

problem

The solution to a problem can only be found after one identifies that there is a problem to be had. Two of my very close friends are currently experiencing this in the heart-wrenching way. I am the type of person, as I'm sure I mentioned before, that has the internal drive to help others and take care of them in their times of need, so of course I offered my aid in any way that I could. But one can only offer so much help before the people you are assisting begin to suspect that you have some self-serving reason for help in the first place. I truly have no such interior motive. But the solution to this problem is keenly displeasing to both parties involved. Does that make my intent on helping them any better or worse, when I know the solution, which has been activated, and it is hurtful to the internal and external form of the people? Eventually, yes, it is going to be better, however the here and now of the situation is tireingly accute, espescilly being in the position I am in.

New semester, new apartment

This is it, this is the end. My last semester of college is upon me, waiting to be taken down and forgotten. It amazes me that the proceeding semester seemed stressful setting all to straights for this one, but now it is ready and starting and I don't know what to do with myself. Of course I have the inevitable "planning for my future" to deal with, but not for another month and a half. As of now I am perfectly content to sit here at my recently acquired desk and observe the heavy snow as it coats the ground and trees. I have come to love Edinboro, besides the fact that I have only been here two and one half years. Undoubtably, I am proud of myself for completing my degree in three years, totaling 6 semesters, when it takes most the stated 4 years or more even. It is a small sort of achievement, I suppose. My mother seems not to understand what sort of accomplishment this is, or even that it is one at all. My dear father on the other hand praises me endlessly for it, well as close to praise as my family can get. You see, praise in my home often goes something like this: "You have moved through college quickly, which will look good on a resume, but I fear the lack of extra-curricular activities will hold you back." It is a double edged sword always; you may have done this right, but this still needs improvement. It is a game, a test, a business arrangement with a new goal always in sight.

This brings me back to the place I am now, sitting here and watching the snow. A small sort of achievement for me, to be letting all my work sit by while I am engaged in an action that will not improve my person or standing at all.

end!

I am done with the semester :) and as an added bonus I have passed all my classes, event the tedious online ones. I closed on an apartment and got a student teaching placement. The end is within sight :) I am so content with where I am currently that I want to never leave. With the stress of the semester over and student teaching on its way, I am content to sit here at the Coffee Bean forever and just write. I am not in a relationship (except for the one with my turkey, swiss and artichoke sandwich), I am on my way to my own apartment, I own a gorgeous dog whom I love and Christmas is in 5 days. I am in a very good place. It is amazing to me that just 3 short days ago I was having a meltdown because of the tremendous amount of work that I needed to get done and today I am relaxing and blogging. My life runs on deadlines and cutoffs. The pressure builds and builds and builds until the next deadline when it all comes to a head and all at once is relieved.

This semester was undoubtably the most stressful yet, most likely due to the 24 credits I was juggling. Several romantic intrigues also caused my emotions to roll up and down in sessions of extreme happiness and depression. The thing about emotions, you see, is that most often we follow our "heart" or "gut" not thinking about the inevitable fact that we will get hurt in the end. We simply follow what will make us happy in the moment and no matter how aware of the repercussions we are, we still go for this thing. I started "seeing" this guy who I knew was bad in character, but this did not matter because I was infatuated. Lust and infatuation can, and does, cause many of the problems we experience and cause for ourselves and those around us.

Well anyway, I will be blogging a lot more now, due to the excess of down time. I might even load a couple pages from the story I am writing ;)

library computer.

So I am in the library, sitting at a computer, writing this because I am exceedingly lazy and unmotivated. I have a pile of homework and paperwork to do, yet here I am sitting and writing this for no reason at all. I am a poor synthesis of a life form. Also at the computers in the library there is a plethora of fellow students. One girl is staring at her computer screen with her mouth agape in a most unattractive manner. I just want to be like "excuse me, but your lulling tongue is distracting me from not getting anything accomplished, could you please consider closing it?" But alas that would be highly inappropriate in a civilized society, such as this one, not to mention it would probably take an unreasonable amount of time for her to discect that sentance and its key meaning. One boy is sleeping at his computer, his long curly hair covering his face and most of the key board. One hand still on the mouse, his breath flows in and out of his lungs slowly, methodical, like one has in a deep sleep. His cell phone, a Droid by the looks of it, is pinned under the dead weight of his left hand. It chirps unexpectedly, causing the boy to sit up in fright, sucking in his breath so quickly, the rest of us to look at him vaguely as he peers around at his surroundings. It is only after several seconds that he regains the knowledge that he is indeed in the library and remembers to look at his telephone. Poor kid, tired enough to fall asleep at the library computer. This exhaustion could, of course, be the result of excessive partying and not that of a dedicated student, in the case of the ladder, I do not feel bad for him at all.
Another person that enters shortly after this exciting event, is a serious looking girl, who, most likely, is of senior status. She wears professional looking clothes, with her hair just so and an engagement ring on her left hand. She reads as an adult because she has a innate beauty that shines with out the need for makeup, and a professional posture that takes care of the rest. For some reason my mind links people that are able to look good with out trying and adulthood together. As if at the age of ___ people are able to, all of a sudden, look adult like without trying. I believe that she has recently reached this point, for there is a slight shimmer about her face that has youth written all over it.