2-2

It is strange being back on campus, watching the students I once knew so well as they move about their day, consumed by their petty problems, which to them control their lives. Being on the outside of this, I seem to have grown a hard shell against these annoyances, such as classes, significant others and beverage choices. One such male entered the shop in his brown Carhart jacket; his swagger marked him as confident and in control of the simple existence he was leading. He stood at the counter, staring at the board of options for at least 3 minutes before making his profound decision. I admit, that even I have been guilty of this menial crime from time to time, but of course that does not come into considerations when I am judging others for my own entertainment. That male, I decided in my own head, was a poor semblance of a life form, that was hard pressed to make something of himself.

Many others after him approach the counter and gaze, bewildered at the wall of text. They had most likely seen this board many times before, but always seem to have difficulty interpreting meaning from it. Why is this, you may ask? The words are written plainly, even for a diluted college student, so what is the problem? I believe it is the French words that get people sometimes. Why can they not just say “This drink contains an obscene amount of chocolate!” Or “Drink this if you want an abhorrent dose of caffeine!” But then again, most 18-22 year olds do not know the definition of obscene or abhorrent, so that plan wouldn’t work. In short, I do not know how to solve this troubling problem and will tire myself over it no longer.

Story, pt One

Here is a little excerpt from the story I am writing. The main characters are Kam and Trust. Both are about 200 years old, with the looks of an 18 year olds, because of abilities that will be explained later. Hope you enjoy, it is one of the more slow, close contact parts of the plot. More exciting ones to come!

“Closer” Kam whispered “Just a little closer”

“I… don’t think I can” Trust whispered back “I am way past an arms length already"

“I just can’t do it… I’m sorry Kam” at that Trust backed several steps, to exactly Kam’s arm length away, and ran. They had been practicing approaching people, like they normally do at midday break. Trust had been about 13 inches away from Kam, the same place she gets on every other day. Had Kam wanted to hurt her in any way, he could have easily reached out with both lean arms and pulled her slight form towards him. She couldn’t take that risk, just being that close to him threw her mind into overdrive, reeling and rearing, trying to get away, screaming the danger she was in. Kam always exclaimed, when she came back from running, that she had appeared so calm and placid, why had she run? Trust had learned, over hundreds of years of torture, the skill of keeping her emotions cloaked by a serene facial expression.

Trust returned to camp after dark that night. Kam had set up their bedrolls and prepared a dinner of raw fish and berries by the time she came through the shadows. Trust walked slowly into the camp, behind Kam, silently as a doe. It wasn’t until she sat and slurped down the first piece of fish that Kam stood, turned and drew his sword; his feet automatically assuming an on guard position.

“Who is jumpy now?” Trust asked, reaching for out and pinching another strip of fish between her gnarled hands.

“Yes, well I was snuck up on.” Kam stated, joining her for the meal “At least I don’t run for hours, away from those that are right in front of me, and are trusted. “ he did not look at her as he said this, just selected a plump berry out of the bowl and popped it into his grinning mouth.

Trust frowned and slowly returned the fish to the bowl. She folded her hands in her lap and gazed at the ground, Kam was right, she admitted silently to herself. She had no reason to run from him, or anyone, unless they gave her reason to. It had been 31 years since she had touched another person on purpose. 31 years since she had felt someone else’s skin, leaned against them, held their hand. She looked back up at Kam; he was so kind to her, always taking care of her and protecting her. She had known him for so long.

She fluidly stood and took a step around their little picnic towards him. He stopped eating and looked up at her, turning his head to one side, much as a dog does when confused. Trust continued to look at the ground. She took another step, smaller than the last. Then another. She stood right next to him now, he bare toes only inches from his outstretched leg. Trust sunk to the ground, keeping several inches away from his body. Kam turned very slowly to face her, tucking his legs underneath him, watching her closely. She continued to look at the ground, also sitting cross-legged. This was the closest they had ever been, in all the time they traveled together, since they had been children some hundred years ago. Kam lifted his hand and slowly, very cautiously, reached out to her down turned face. He paused an inch from her, wondering what would happen if he continued, but only for a second, then, lightly as he could, he touched his fingers to her scared cheek. She immediately closed her eyes and leaned into his open palm. She started to cry silent tears; they rolled down her face gathering along his hand. Without opening her eyes she reached out and placed her right hand on his knee, Kam smiled in return and lifted his other hand to lift her chin. Her eyes met his; their gaze held for several seconds, both breathing in unison. Kam leaned forward, a breaths width away from her, wondering if she was going to flee. Trust didn’t run, she held his gaze, waiting to see what he would do next. Before she had a chance to consider more, he leaned in and gently pressed his lips to hers.

Trust held there for a split second, then quickly stood turned and walked back to the other side of the dinner, sitting down exactly where she had been before. Kam blinked, mouth open, still poised from their fleeting kiss, wondering what had just happened. Trust on the other hand, was back to her calm controlled self. The piece of fish she had set down was already in her mouth, as she ate it slowly she smiled.

Snow Day Number two

Today is another snow day. Remember back to when you were a kid and how you loved snow days? Yeah well, there nice for a while, until you have absolutely nothing left to do. I am going to be so bored today! Hopefully one of my friends will save me from boredom!

I re-read my post from last night, and realize now that it is quite ridiculous. But no matter, I will leave it up, for the simple matter of that being my thoughts at the time. I really don't know what got into me. It was like someone had just woken up a piece of me that desired that sort of thing. I have always had a problem with the concept of love. Last night I even looked it up in several online dictionaries to see other peoples definition of it.

Now the kind of love you have for friends, I have no problem with. I tell my friends all the time that I dearly love them. It is the romantic love that I seem to be incapable of; all I have is infatuation. I wish I had some one to practice this sort of love on. I need a test. A practice run. A trial. I have to know if I am capable of it. You see, I have only dated one person, and I told this person that I love them, but I am not so sure I actually did. Right now I go through these fazes, in which I become abnormally obsessed with a guy. Actually I have one right now that has been going for about 7 months. I can't seem to get him out of my head. I would rather hang out with him, and 2 others, more than anyone else in the world. I don't think he understands this at all. Of course I cannot tell him about this ridiculous 'love" for it would most likely get us nowhere. I was always told that if a guy liked you he would do something about it. He would make it happen. During my online search last night, I found a peculiar article about sucessful women, women with a brain, scaring men away. I know in stature I am not very ferocious, but in mental state and statement, I am a force to be reckoned with. I will have to work on being normal so that I won't frighten people away anymore.

thoughts.

On average I get depressed at least once a day. Something hits me and sparks feelings that run rampant until I can find something to distract myself with. On occasion it is more like 2 or 3 times a day. Today, for the simple reason of the day starting off on the wrong foot, was one of the more extreme days. I have considered quite a bit within the span of today and I had a very engaging conversation with a good friend of mine. This conversation consisted mainly of discussion of the topic surrounding my endless need for physical comfort. I crave it so badly it hurts. To prove a point, during our discussion, I reached over and put my hand on his knee. I felt instantly more calm. It was like someone had given me a sedative, except this little jolt I experienced in my upper chest, near my neck. I don't know why physical touch does this to me, I don't even know if anyone else has this problem, but I consistently run into problems when attempting to manage it. My friend said that I will go crazy the first time I sleep with someone, and I believe him.

But enough of this now, I must get to bed.

teaching

so i made it to student teaching. it is wonderful and even more than i could imagine it being. I love everything about it, except the lesson plans; the kids and school are all to my liking. i am cooking shrimp for dinner tonight and Andrew is coming over. as you can tell, i am severely lacking adequate sleep, and need to get some of that soon. that is all.

problem

The solution to a problem can only be found after one identifies that there is a problem to be had. Two of my very close friends are currently experiencing this in the heart-wrenching way. I am the type of person, as I'm sure I mentioned before, that has the internal drive to help others and take care of them in their times of need, so of course I offered my aid in any way that I could. But one can only offer so much help before the people you are assisting begin to suspect that you have some self-serving reason for help in the first place. I truly have no such interior motive. But the solution to this problem is keenly displeasing to both parties involved. Does that make my intent on helping them any better or worse, when I know the solution, which has been activated, and it is hurtful to the internal and external form of the people? Eventually, yes, it is going to be better, however the here and now of the situation is tireingly accute, espescilly being in the position I am in.

New semester, new apartment

This is it, this is the end. My last semester of college is upon me, waiting to be taken down and forgotten. It amazes me that the proceeding semester seemed stressful setting all to straights for this one, but now it is ready and starting and I don't know what to do with myself. Of course I have the inevitable "planning for my future" to deal with, but not for another month and a half. As of now I am perfectly content to sit here at my recently acquired desk and observe the heavy snow as it coats the ground and trees. I have come to love Edinboro, besides the fact that I have only been here two and one half years. Undoubtably, I am proud of myself for completing my degree in three years, totaling 6 semesters, when it takes most the stated 4 years or more even. It is a small sort of achievement, I suppose. My mother seems not to understand what sort of accomplishment this is, or even that it is one at all. My dear father on the other hand praises me endlessly for it, well as close to praise as my family can get. You see, praise in my home often goes something like this: "You have moved through college quickly, which will look good on a resume, but I fear the lack of extra-curricular activities will hold you back." It is a double edged sword always; you may have done this right, but this still needs improvement. It is a game, a test, a business arrangement with a new goal always in sight.

This brings me back to the place I am now, sitting here and watching the snow. A small sort of achievement for me, to be letting all my work sit by while I am engaged in an action that will not improve my person or standing at all.