end!

I am done with the semester :) and as an added bonus I have passed all my classes, event the tedious online ones. I closed on an apartment and got a student teaching placement. The end is within sight :) I am so content with where I am currently that I want to never leave. With the stress of the semester over and student teaching on its way, I am content to sit here at the Coffee Bean forever and just write. I am not in a relationship (except for the one with my turkey, swiss and artichoke sandwich), I am on my way to my own apartment, I own a gorgeous dog whom I love and Christmas is in 5 days. I am in a very good place. It is amazing to me that just 3 short days ago I was having a meltdown because of the tremendous amount of work that I needed to get done and today I am relaxing and blogging. My life runs on deadlines and cutoffs. The pressure builds and builds and builds until the next deadline when it all comes to a head and all at once is relieved.

This semester was undoubtably the most stressful yet, most likely due to the 24 credits I was juggling. Several romantic intrigues also caused my emotions to roll up and down in sessions of extreme happiness and depression. The thing about emotions, you see, is that most often we follow our "heart" or "gut" not thinking about the inevitable fact that we will get hurt in the end. We simply follow what will make us happy in the moment and no matter how aware of the repercussions we are, we still go for this thing. I started "seeing" this guy who I knew was bad in character, but this did not matter because I was infatuated. Lust and infatuation can, and does, cause many of the problems we experience and cause for ourselves and those around us.

Well anyway, I will be blogging a lot more now, due to the excess of down time. I might even load a couple pages from the story I am writing ;)

library computer.

So I am in the library, sitting at a computer, writing this because I am exceedingly lazy and unmotivated. I have a pile of homework and paperwork to do, yet here I am sitting and writing this for no reason at all. I am a poor synthesis of a life form. Also at the computers in the library there is a plethora of fellow students. One girl is staring at her computer screen with her mouth agape in a most unattractive manner. I just want to be like "excuse me, but your lulling tongue is distracting me from not getting anything accomplished, could you please consider closing it?" But alas that would be highly inappropriate in a civilized society, such as this one, not to mention it would probably take an unreasonable amount of time for her to discect that sentance and its key meaning. One boy is sleeping at his computer, his long curly hair covering his face and most of the key board. One hand still on the mouse, his breath flows in and out of his lungs slowly, methodical, like one has in a deep sleep. His cell phone, a Droid by the looks of it, is pinned under the dead weight of his left hand. It chirps unexpectedly, causing the boy to sit up in fright, sucking in his breath so quickly, the rest of us to look at him vaguely as he peers around at his surroundings. It is only after several seconds that he regains the knowledge that he is indeed in the library and remembers to look at his telephone. Poor kid, tired enough to fall asleep at the library computer. This exhaustion could, of course, be the result of excessive partying and not that of a dedicated student, in the case of the ladder, I do not feel bad for him at all.
Another person that enters shortly after this exciting event, is a serious looking girl, who, most likely, is of senior status. She wears professional looking clothes, with her hair just so and an engagement ring on her left hand. She reads as an adult because she has a innate beauty that shines with out the need for makeup, and a professional posture that takes care of the rest. For some reason my mind links people that are able to look good with out trying and adulthood together. As if at the age of ___ people are able to, all of a sudden, look adult like without trying. I believe that she has recently reached this point, for there is a slight shimmer about her face that has youth written all over it.

Graduation!

So I just got done talking to the assistant dean and she confirmed that I will be graduating in May!!! :) I have been waiting two semesters for those words, and they are finally here! All I have to do is obtain the signature of my academic advisor, which shouldn't be a problem, and then away I go! Hooray!!!!

Other than that I went to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert on sunday, but I will post about that tomorrow! :)

Becoming Jane...

I am watching Becoming Jane, a story of Jane Austin, my favorite author. The story goes that a wealthy young man of proper birth asks for her hand in marriage and she refuses him. This was unheard of, back then, because she was of such a lesser status than him, she should have accepted him, it was expected of her. Why did she not accept him then? She said that she could not marry without affection, without love, this is ridiculous, since she could go about the marriage with little trouble to herself and be keenly rich and happy. To have a wife, then, with a mind was considered quite improper. Marriage was so easy, so simple, so fitting. Everything that I want in life, children, a family and a comfortable home, used to be given to girls as they reach a marriageable age of 18-20. She refuses to accept what is given to her and repay what her parents did for her and so she is reduced to nothing. She finds love in another man, but his family does not accept her due to her small fortune. She ends up reverting back to the first man that she isn't "in love with", but backs out at the last minute. So in short, she is given a home, fortune and status but turns it down for "love".

It is my thought that she could have learned to love him if she would have went through with the desired union, but she let her feelings get in the way of her common sense. If I was in her situation, I would have married him and done just that. I wish I had been born back then so that I could have what she discarded.

existing piece of matter...

I am tired today due to the most unfortunate of circumstances this evening past. some time before 5 o'clock yesterday I was confided in by a friend and resident of one of the resident halls. She was raped. I won't say names or details, for privacy, but I will say that this was a traumatic incident, even for me, not to mention how she was feeling. So of course I make the required phone calls and inform the authorities as to what happened, then proceed to take her to the ER, located in about 20 minutes away. We arrived there with no trouble, but none of us knew what to expect thereafter. We ended up spending the next 6 hours in the ER. We left by 12 am, at which point we were all exhausted, mentally and physically.

Back on campus, at 12:45, I dropped them off at their dorms and proceeded to a friends house to see her and her boyfriend, for the simple reason of craving their company. You know those friends that accept you, even when you are going crazy? Yep, I have a couple of those, you know who you are, and I wouldn't trade them for the world :)

I have many thoughts to blog right now but I need to sleep some more before that.

Homework and Paperwork...

This week has been the week of homework and paperwork. I revised my usual schedule to incorporate all the work that has to be done. Every spare moment is filled with work and student teaching stuff. My life has turned into an engulfing blockhole of busy work. I was talking to two of my Junior Field group members yesterday, after a meeting we had, the three of us girls just sat and talked for a while. It was nice to just chitchat with some fellow females about our lives and where we came from, and I found out that we have a lot in common. Meditation and vegetarianism mainly. Both of them are married and in graduate school, hence I envy them, of course, and both are exceedingly mature and caring. I attempted to explain to them how my mind works and they listened, being very interested, to my faltering attempt. While talking to them I my mind was picturing my self in 5 or 6 so years, sitting with a group of women friends, chitchatting in a coffee shop, much like the one I so love back home. I, predictively, in this vision, had a large wedding ring on and was handsomely pregnant, drinking an iced tea and smiling happily as we exchanged stories about the week. My cell phone chimed during this vision and it was my husband sending me a picture message of a bouquet of flowers he had just bought me, but I realized in about .0009 seconds that it was my real cell phone that had just chirped, and it was not my husband, but Casey saying to hurry up for dinner. This switched me to thinking about food, vegetables, my beloved restaurant back home and a plethora of other things, so I left the girls and proceeded to dinner.

Well it is now 9:45, time for paperwork. As a last note, I tried sleeping more last night, and I got a whole 7 hours of sleep, remarkably, due to the urging of a new friend. I feel much different today :)

thought...

I want to be done with college. I want to get married. I want to have children. That is what I want. That is what will make me happy. For the rest of my life I want a newborn in my arms, needing my care and love. This is what will make me happy.

That is all for now.

Going home.

I am traveling home this weekend. All the way to Latrobe. Four hours away. Hooray. I will not bore you with details but it involves my parents feelign the need to travel, which is ok with me. I leave Edinboro tomorrow at noon, after my metals class and I am not looking forward to the drive. My legs hurt this week from all the rain and they will be sore the whole way home I am sure. I was sad today because I wanted a to be close to someone but I am still alone. I have Casey and other friends, whom I owe a lot, but it isn't the same. I need to stop being so dependent on others for my happyness, but it is hard, being like me and not being close to people. I thrive on physical touch, and not even in a sexual context, just a hug, a shoulder to lay on, a friends hand to hold; I am addicted to physical touch, but this is not appropriate in society. This is why I learned to give massages, I crave the connection it forms, the direct link to someone elses exsistance. I also just like to take care of people, cooking, cleaning, looking after, that is what I do best. Casey says I will make an excellent house wife someday, and I believe him. That is where I believe I will be truley content, with a home, family and children, lots of children. Everything about me is defined by my innate mothering instinct. For me to be happy I need to be making others happy.

nope

I did not get the job... this is ok though. I will survive, I am sure. Today I really want to cuddle with someone in front of the tv watching star wars or something. Is this strange? nope, not for me! but instead I am sitting in my room, alone, writing in here and listening to bad rap music. I discovered rap this week, it is nice I suppose. Today was homecoming and I rode inside of a float. It was enjoyable and I was with friends. I then had salad for dinner. At the football game I was talking to a friend that has since graduated. She was asking me about classes and such and, in turn, I asked about her job searches. She asked me a question, I can't remember what, and I was having a hard time separating the answer I wanted to give her from the other stuff in my head so it took me a couple seconds and she asked if I was ok. I answered that, yes, I was but I was just having a foggy day and she replied "Abby, you are always like that" She then laughed and repeated the question which I spewed an appropriate answer to. This then preoccupied my thoughts for the remainder of the day. If she had noticed this "scattered" quality about me, does everyone notice it? Is this why I can't find a guy to have a relationship with? Am I just too scattered? You might say "well just be more focused" but it is not this simple, it is VERY difficult for me to think about one thing at a time. I think this is why I don't dream at night, my brain doesn't slow down enough. Dreaming is when your brain is only focused on that one thing, has nothing else to do, that is why dreams feel so real. My brain doesn't do that. I remember 2 dreams I have had and I was 12 years old for both. Weird? yes, it is.

waiting...

So today I am waiting to hear if I got a promotion or not. Yes thats right, a promotion! I am an RA (resident assistant) currently, but recently there came the need for a replacement Assistant Residence Hall Coordinator (ARHC) for one of the dorms. The current coordinators and assistant coordinators got together and compiled a list of qualified senior ra's to fill the space and my name, among 4 others, was chosen! This makes me very happy to know that I am doing a good enough job to be noticed! I had an interview yesterday and we are suppose to know by this evening who got the job. I am sitting on edge because I really want the job and I feel I could fill the position well. I love being a leader so I feel that this job will fit me. There are others that got interview though and might also get the job, they also would do a splendid job! But for now I will pray and update later on the results.

classes... an inevitable evil

So classes are in full swing, and with 24 credits to keep up with it is definitely turning out to be interesting. I'm kinda brain dead right now but here are some writings from earlier this week.

President Brown walked through the hall, past his students with his head held high. His grey suit matched perfectly to his greying hair, the only spark of color being a tartan tie hanging from his large neck. In his left hand he grasped a tartan gift bag with red tissue paper bursting out of it, off to some important person, no doubt.

His face resembled one of an anime character, with a severely angled face and large eyes. His small mouth revealed perfect large teeth and his nose could barley be seen when viewed in profile. He sat leaning on the table with his elbow, sideways in his chair, using the back to rest his knee on. His other leg was coiled underneath him. His high cheekbone rested on his fist of the arm braced on the table as he glanced about in total relaxation. To finalize his look he sported a small dark go-tee and a ski hat, which with his dark tousled hair, enclosed his face in a black frame. Despite all these characteristics though, it was his large, burly, dark eyebrows that completed his hyper anime look. Never before had I seen such active eyebrows. I liked his face I decided, after much musing and contemplation, it was something I would like to photograph some day.

bored and thinking way to much...

The man sat, stooped on his porch swing, staring out at the vast nothing in front of him. Before what had been a fertile, productive, loving farm was now waste. How had it become this, he asked himself, and among his creeping thoughts, one prevailed: she had died and the farm had died with her. He shifted his eyes from the collapsing barn, past the barren field to the faded farm house behind him.
That is all for now...

Freshman move in...

So I am now at Edinboro... finally. I haven't blogged in a while due to the fact that I was in training all week and it is move in this weekend. Freshman move in was yesterday and upperclassmen are today. First let me4 tell you about the day I had yesterday, theirfor you will know the trying experiences I went through and how it effected me, especilly mentally.
I woke up at 7 am to begin checking people in at 8. I moved my car, just like all the other employees to a grassey area, so that parents could park cars in and unload from the lot. I was extreemly excited and energetic in the morning, since I love meeting the new people and being involved in the chaos of it all.
A little fact about me is that I am always thinking, thinking about everything, I am also exceedingly aware of myself and what I am doing. Now I know that this sounds like gloating or bragging but I assure you that I have no such intent in writing this. My truest wish is just to express my thoughts and feelings no matter how skattered.
Now back to the day, I moved my car and proceeded to the front desk to start setting up.
The front desk in my dormatory is like the RA home base, a fort for the leaders and role models of the castle. All paperwork, schedules, logs and keys are kept behind the desk. Our desk is staffed all day move in weekend to assure that all goes easily and as planned. Also to keep the flow of people moving we set up a tent outside to dorm to check in incoming students, they then proceed inside to claim a cart and move in. I, being a social butterfly, decided to sit in the outside tent and check people in. Like I said before, we had families waiting at 8 am and before, so we begin promptly at 8 and the chaos ensues from then on. I was happy, freindly, energetic and polite for about the first three hours, when we were slammed with incomming students and families.
As I am sure you well know that the mental stress of being happy all day and really drain you, sometimes even more so than physical labor. As it was I became fatigued by around 11 and by 2 I was exausted. I traveled to my room to take a shower and drank about a gallon of water and by the time I was finished it was time for my freshman floor mtg., the purpose of which was to basicly tell them how to survive the next day and a half, until classes started. The scholar on my floor Casey, and also one of my best friends, assisted me with the floor mtg and filled in the words I did not have the mental strength to think of in my state. After the floor mtg. we took the residents to the move in picnic and fed them, after which my 2 best friends, one also named Abby and Brandon came over to see my room and keep me company as I manned the desk from 6 pm till 1 am. We played Magic (a card game), chatted and ate Ramen noodles. I lost most of the games of Magic due to my depleated state and it wasn't until I ate a slice of pizza, my first real food all day, that I woke back up out of my trance.
Most people do not enjoy being busy or feeling stressed to the point when you just run on auto pilot, but i do. It is the one time when I am not thinking about anything and I can enjoy peace and quiet.
Another point of interest is my staff members. I am getting used to working with new people and learning how they opperate. I could write forever about all the observations I make of them but I won't bore you.
got to go, pizza time!

!!!!!

4 days! I go back to Edinboro in 4 days! I probably won't get a chance to blog until then but just know that I am soooo excited!!!

On the note of music, I have found a genre, or several, that I quite enjoy. Some authors I have been listening to include Ludovico Einaudi a pianist, and the violist David Garrett!

Almost there...

10 days. Thats how long I have left to be at home. Just 10 days before I move back to Edinboro for the last time. The last year, who knows what it will bring, is starting to scare me. With its unknowns and indefinites I am worried it will leave me broken and uncertain of what to do next. Will I be to worn out next May to actually move out in my own? Will I just want to live at home or stay in Edinboro for a while? I think the thing I have been thinking about the most is how much I will miss my friends and all the support that they provide to my fragile confidence. What will I do in Colorado all by my self? But of course I will have Kia with me to keep me company! She will keep me moving :) Friends to support me during the school year, Kia to be with me when I move and, of course, God watching over me the whole time. I won't have to do this alone. 10 days.

Reflections

I am feeling quite full of thoughts today. I am feeling optimistic, powerful, elegant and mysterious. It might be because I ran extra hard this morning, pushing myself to run farther and longer than before, or it could be just my impending return to school. I find myself thinking more and more often about what the first day in my new room will be like. The lovely solitude and silence of the dorm before students arrive, broken only by the crooning of my radio spilling out some classical ramble of my specific choosing. The empty space filling up with my belongings as I place things about and assign them a spot to remain during the semester. Creating a home out of the square box that smells of the cold loneliness it has suffered all summer, all odor of the last inhabitant gone forever. The feeling of satisfaction and content when all is put away and settled, as you sit on your freshly made bed and glance around, content and peaceful for the first few moments of your last year at college.

My last year at college.

After this year my time at Edinboro will only be a sentence: I went to Edinboro University. My entire college experience will be summed up in that one short powerful sentence.

The girl in brown and tan, a server at the shop, sprays the tables with cleaner from a dingy yellow bottle as the sun light shines through the tall windows illuminating the mist as it streams towards it's desired destination. Again and again she pelts the table top with the golden fog, as if beating and punishing it for becoming so dirty and causing her to need to shine it. She then apologizes to the table by wiping it slowly with a white bleached towel, frayed on one edge, proof of its overuse. The large arching movements of her arm, as she stretches to reach across the vast expanse of the top, are slow, methodical and practiced. The table does not stand a chance against such skill and tenacity, vengeance flowing from every swipe, she finishes and straightens, places the trigger of her weapon through her belt loop and places her hands on her defined hips in one swift, skilled movement. Another job well done, the conqueror turns on one foot, leaving the vanquished behind her, preparing to take on another unworthy foe.

Pardon me, I got distracted, simple yet beautiful things, such as sunlight and mist, seem to snatch my attention and form sentences in my head at the least opportune time. Must go now, work. Will continue later.

funerals...

running. it is something my entire family does, except for me. I decided this week that I would start, so I did. I like it. What, you might ask, would spur this risky adventure? Well, dear reader, I will tell you, but be warned, it is not happy...

I have been to many funerals in my lifetime. Most being family, or friends so close that they could be family. I really don't like the concept of a funeral, celebrating someone's life after they are dead, I never have. Most don't realize how amazingly precious a life is until it is gone. Especially when someone young dies, people always say "He/she was such a hard worker, a very good kid, so full of spirit and drive." This is what was said after a lifelong friend Chad died this week. He was 21 years old and owned his own farrier business (shoeing horses). He was wildly successful and exceedingly talented. He went to church, had a lovely girlfriend, a proud father and adoring customers. He was indeed, a very special kid. But as I think about the fact that he died, I wonder if anyone bothered to tell him while he was alive, how inspiring he was? Did I? Did his family or friends?

Think about this for a moment... If you die tomorrow, will you have felt like you were wanted, needed, loved? When was the last time someone told you how much they appreciate you, need you, love you? Start the cycle: say something nice to someone who is close to you, and maybe we will all live a little longer.

summer vacation, finally!

So it has been summer for approximately 3 months now and I am finally feeling like it is summer. I go back to school in a month (thank God) and I just finished my summer classes yesterday. Although I might have to retake 2 of them I am still relieved to be done with them. A huge pressure has been lifted off of me and it feels great! I went on a horse back ride this morning, by myself, for the first time in like a month and we went on a new trail and saw amazing things! Waterfalls, rivers, cliffs, ancient trees and much more. It was so peaceful, just me and the horse. There is no better feeling than being lost in the woods on a horse and putting all your trust in the horse and his instincts. Saber has never not gotten us out of a new patch of woods. His internal navigation always shows us the way out, all I have to do is hang on and trust him. The horse can feel the adrenaline rush when you know your lost. The unique, profound connection there is between you and the animal can never be repeated or remade. It is one of a kind. I have always been one to connect better with animals than with people. They are just so much easier to understand and get along with. I can look at an animal and immediately know so much about them, all of their trials and tribulations, joys and loves. They always listen to you and love you, no matter what. It is not many people that can listen to the animal too, that can feel there presence and conscious. I love my animals and never wish to be parted from them. They are my life.

On another note, Brandon is coming to visit this weekend! Abby and I are so excited! I get off work at 9 pm tonight so I'm going to her house to see him. He has become such a good friend of mine, I miss him a lot during the summer. It makes me wonder what I'm going to do when I move away after graduation. What will I do without my friends? Living in the real world won't be like living in college. I can imagine it will be substantially harder to make friends and keep them as an adult. I'm sure I will survive though. I always do.

new addition

So it all started when I got my younger sister a kitten before I came home from school. This kitten would naturally have to be spayed when it was old enough. So about two weeks ago we took the kitten to the shelter to get the surgery done. Yesterday we took her back to get the stitches out. We were looking around at the dogs there since I just lost my St. Bernard about a month ago. I wrote this the day before I lost her:

She is dying, my baby is dying. I lost one dog last year and now I’m losing another one. She has already lived past her expected age by 6 years. She is quite an old girl. Mum and I found her in her pen today breathing so heavily that her stomach moved by inches. It appeared she had not left her dog box in days, despite my mom’s raptures that she saw her up that morning. When we finally got her up and started to wash her we knew that she hadn’t left her box in days. She reeked of urine and feces. She could hardly move. How could this have happen between this week and last when I had her out for a bath and she bounded about joyfully. I am convinced that she had a small heart attack around Wednesday or Thursday of this week. This probably left her paralyzed from in her back legs and since she is such a large breed, she was unable to move. How could I have let this happen? I got her for my eighth birthday, you know. She has been my best friend my whole life. Ever since college started I have not had as much time to spend with her. I faithfully bath her once a week during the summer, since she has such a thick coat and lives outside, but that has not been enough. She is dying and there is absolutely nothing I can do.

She died the next day and it broke my heart. I wasn't ready to put this up until now. But being me, I have to have a dog. Something inside me just isn't right unless I have a dog that I know loves me more than anyone. I found that love in a skinny, brown, shy whippit/ visila cross from Action for Animals. We were walking past an outdoor kennel with a very loud furry dog and a frantic beagle, when I saw her. I remember the way she sat in the corner, ears back, watching us but not moving. Her regal, elegant figure commanded attention yet she was so shy. I stopped and knelt next to the pen. When the other two finally decided that I wasn't worth their attention and left, she came over. She sat in front of me and stuck out her giraffe neck to sniff my hand. She wagged her tail twice on the dirt. I knew she was the one I needed, so I adopted her. My mother was all for it, surprisingly, and she filled out the papers as I flew home to get my check book. 12o dollars later she was mine. She sat in the passenger seat just like a person, her long neck almost reaching the front windshield. Her name originally was sylvia, but I knew that she didn't like that name so I renamed her Kiatsa, Kia for short. When I said her new name out loud for the first time she whipped her head around and perked her ears up. I knew then that I had made the right decision, however rash. She was mine and I would take her every where with me, right after graduation that is. I think she will like Colorado when I move there. I'm not so scared about moving out on my own, because I won't be alone. I will have Kia, sitting in the passenger seat, smearing her nose all over my windshield, to keep me company.

Thursday, July 22, 2010- one month to go...

In college towards the end of the semester, one looks forward to summer so much. For the change of scenery, for family, for lack of class work. At the end of summer one cannot wait to get back to school. Friends, new classes, lack of family. It is a vigorous cycle that keeps us moving from kidergarten to graduation form college. Your whole life you are brought up to worship the summer as a break from work and stress. Imagine, suddenly, this cycle is brought to an abrupt end. Never again will you have class work to look forward to or hate. Never again the thrill of the first day of class or the last. Never setting up a dorm room, meeting a roommate, buying books, eating at the cafeteria, using quarters for laundry, getting ice-cream after an exam. suddenly it all just stops. ends. finishes. complete. fulfilled.

welcome to graduation from college, something I will be experiencing in approximitly 7 months. soon ,it will all be over.

My good friend, Abby Diamond, whom I write about often and have known for a very long time, and I were talking the other day. We talked of many things but mostly of life after college. She will be graduating in two years. I on the other hand will never experience another summer in college. This is my last summer as a child. Next summer I will be grown up and looking for a job, moving into an appartment and living my own life. In college, some believe that they are independent, but I know that this is not true. Even if parents are not present, we still have the school looking over us. What will I do after graduation, you might ask? Move out west hopefully, when we recently went on vacation there, I fell in love with the place. To my siblings it was mediocre, but to me it was heaven. They didn't see, but as the plane took off from Devner, and passed the mountains, I started to cry not wanting to leave. To me, there is nothing so beautiful as the Rocky Mountains or the plains that lead up to them. It is the main thing that is moving me towards graduation. The knowledge that as every day passes, it brings me one day closer to my mountains.

The start of a vacation

6:50 am July 2, 2010

We boarded the plane this morning at promptly 5:50 and by 6 am we were comfortably seated and prepared to take off. The gracious flight attendants demonstrated the exits and emergency procedures, though it was most likely unnecessary. The captain, a man with a pleasant voice, the kind that you could listen to for some time without getting annoyed, informed us of where we were headed, like we didn’t all ready know, and gave us the weather report. Mother was fretting, of course, about the inevitable take off and clung to fathers arm like a vice. She repeatedly inquired upon my sister as to her comfort status, and she replied in curt remarks, becoming annoyed. My older sister and younger brother attempted to share the view out of the diminutive window, watching the ground fly by as we rambled down the runway. Increasingly gaining speed we all looked at each other and grinned in enjoyment as we prepared for our favorite part of the trip.

I fell in love with the mountains that day. I was once proud of the small hill I have lived on my whole life but it is nothing to the foothills of the Rockies. Driving into them is like entering a wonderland of flowing cleffts. One easing into the next as easily as one ocean wave into another. I vowed that day that I would return, someday, and hopefully, live here. I have a new goal!

At the coffee bean

So here i am, sitting at the Coffee Bean Cafe. A smallish type of roastery with brown/orange hews that make the environment one that is quite calming and conducive to a productivity. There are 9 fellow coffee lovers sitting in the Bean as well, sipping and talking in groups and pairs. Some, like myself are loners. There is a mildly attractive male sitting diagonally from me, who must have been here for quite some time based on the empty smoothie glass in front of him. His dark tussled hair and intelllegant brown eyes, along with the extensive amount of paper-work i front of him, denote a hardworking studious type of person. He holds his blue BIC pen with the cap snapped onto the back, head down in focus on what he is writing. He takes a moment to rest, sits back and stretches. I glance up, our eyes meet. How silly am I being!

burbble burbble

so as you can tell, I have not blogged in quite some time. This is due to the inevitable fact that summer "vacation" has started and is almost half over. Being waist deep in summer "break" is the root of my insanity at the present moment but there are several other factors to keep in mind. Factor number one- I am working 2 jobs and work on average 10-12 hours a day. Factor number 2- my ever increasing need to break away and rebel is conflicting with my families need to stifle my freedom. Factor number three- I have 4 online classes that are substantially more difficult to keep up with than I had thought they would be. Factor number four- The family vacation is two weeks away and it is really killing me that I have to put up with this for two more weeks. Number five- I keep injuring myself at work, although unintentional it is inconvenient to have massive burns all over ones arms. Six- Lack of time to ride my horse. Seven- Peru. Eight- bright blue leggings. So you can see that my life, as current, is exceedingly stressful and busy. I plan on writing tonight because I have this amazing story idea in the back of my head (or rather somewhere in the right front above my ear) and I NEED to write it down. One positive of this summer is that I have started reading again. I didn't read a lot in college because of the lack of an adequate fiction section. I now read, on average, 3 to four large books a week (large being around 400 to 500 pages.) Another positive is my taste in music. I am unsure a present where it is going but I will let you know when it reaches a concrete genre placement. until next time...

wrestle

I'm watching my two friends wrestle and it is quite entertaining but i am concerned for their mental states.

late at night

Commonly, the average college student retires at around midnight or one in the morning. More and more I find myself breaking this unregulated curfew and staying up past three and four in the morning. Why you might ask, do I put myself through this unnecessary torture? Well, it might be for the simple fact that not many other people are awake at this time (unless they are taking part in certain elicit activities) or that you become acutely aware of yourself when you are thoroughly exhausted. On the note of being the only person awake, it is oddly calming without the general chaos of the day happening. Even though it is certainly possible to find quiet places during the day, you still have an perspicacious knowledge of the additional people about. On the topic of being keenly self conscious... well, try it sometime, you'll see what I mean.

new adventure

yet another shoot.

So yesterday I did another photo shoot. This one based on the concept of grief. I like this topic bcause if someone is truly grieving they cannot hide it. Almost always it shows in their face and people notice. Grief is, in my opinion, the most pure emotion one can have. It is one of shear loss, pain and anguish. Now I know that this might sound morbid but it is actually quite interesting, even though somewhat over-killed and over done. My idea initially was to stand out among grief photos but now I see it is a lot harder than I thought to do so. Now I am satisfied with just tying to convey the emotion.

Other than that I sold two Pysanky eggs I had made today. I made 20 bucks off of them and am selling another on Monday. I am winding down for the semester and getting work done more quickly and efficiently so I can be ready to eave at the end. I am all scheduled for next semester and I can't wait to be done for the semester and start working at the restaurant!!! I have been hanging out recently with my old roommate, who's name is also Abby. I forgot how much I enjoy being around her. She is the reason I decided to go to school for art and the reason i chose Edinboro. I owe all this to her and after being roommates we kind of drifted apart but now I am hanging out with her more often and it is a good thing

I drew a picture last night. I will upload it here. kk

The Past week... I mean two days

You know when you are so busy and overwhelmed to a point where one day seems like a week? Welcome to the past two days of my life. The most stressful time of year, finals, accompanied by trying to get my class scheduled for both colleges I attend and fnishing projects for all three studios I am in this semester is just about ready to run me over, or at least it was on Monday and Tuesday. In scheduling, when you cannot get into a class due to it being full, a prerequisit, a corequisit, or a time conflict you can obtain an override from the course teacher to still allow you in the course. Most people have one, maybe two of these a semester, if any at all. This semester I had seven. Due to the simple fast that I am graduating early. You see colleges, like many other organizations, really want you to stay with them, theirfor getting more of your money. I attend a state school, meaning it is funded by the government, henceforth it is non profit. So they say. Allthough this is said that does not mean they want you to stay any less. The curriculum I am in right now is Art Education. A program that, regretably, is being remodled in 2012 to make it more easier to figure out what classes to take and more straight forward for scheduling. 2012 would have been my graduation date, would it not be for me getting out of here earlier. If I was to stay another semester I would have to take an additional 8-10 classes to meet the new criteria and about 8-10 of my current classes would not be counted. I refuse to go through with this. So, I am graduating early, something that my University does not like.
Regardless of this I am done with scheduling, and coming up on finals. Finally.

Bibles

I saw a man outside the library today handing out new testoment Bibles. I knew he was going to ask me if I wanted one because I could see him from a way off and he didn't miss anyone. It was 11 am and traffic was bustling but he never missed a beat. He held three small green Bibles in his left hand and one in his right, procuring it to the passerbys. You know the ones they give you at highschool graduation or as free gifts at tables in flee markets. He was dressed in a grey suit and had a green tye around is chubby neck that was just slightly off from the tomes he was trying to push in to the hands of the masses. I felt sorry for him because as I watched not one person took a Bible. I know that there is a reason God put him out there on the sidewalk today. Even if it is just one person that is brought into the light that this mans efforts will not be in vain. I will always remember the first thing I learned about evangelism... That it is NEVER unsucessful. Even the person who didn't take a Bible will have the topic of God and religion swimming in their heads for at least the following several seconds. God Bless that man and his efforts.

another shoot...

So today I am doing another photo shoot. I really like the idea of the human body so I'm doing a shoot to document expressions. I hope it turns out all right! I'm kinda nervous about the way they are going to turn out. Other than that I still have 2 classes to try and schedule and the one teacher is insisting on not letting me override another because of a time conflict. I tried to tell her that this is my last semester for classes and that I am not going to be able to graduate if I don't take this class but she doesn't seem to think that this is important. I am so tired of no one caring that I might mot graduate when I want to. It gets really annoying when I tell them that I am graduating early and then they treat me like "well your already ahead so it doesn't matter if you have to stay longer, but valiant attempt though!" Then they dismiss me like a rejected puppy. But of course when I don't leave they start to realize that I am serious and that I am not about to give in. Once they see that I am actually an adult who knows what I am doing they ask why in the world I want to graduate a year early???? I answer the same every time - "because I can."

I was in the dining hall yesterday with my really good friend Steph, she is in a wheel chair so we sat at the tables that are taller for people in chairs. I should note that here at Edinboro we are the number one college for people with disabilities. We have a lot of people in manual wheel chairs and many in electric wheel chairs. Steph is in an electric one so i helped her get food. It is normal here to have friends who are in chairs but people who aren't used to that, like tour groups and such, sometimes find it as a surprise. Well anyway we were in the dining hall eating and another student comes in, also in a chair, and sits at the high tables. Edinboro provides workers to help the students eat that can't feed themselves. She parked at the table and immediately started to cry, softly at first and gaining momentum. Since she was sitting right behind Steph and I it caught me by surprise. One of the workers came over to comfort her and gave her a hug, but she continued to cry. The sound of her crying was one I will never forget. It didn't sound like a person with a normal voice since many of the OSD students have voice problems. It was a sound that I have never heard before in my years at Edinboro, and in all 19 years of my life. It reminded me of the cry my sister made when she called me to tell me that our dog had gotten hit by a car. The completely desperate sound of a person consumed by shear grief and passion. The sound of someone completely raw inside because all the hope had been scraped out. I didn't know the situation and I had no idea what could have cause such terror in a person to make such a sound but my heart still went out to her that day and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day. I admire so much, those friends of mine that are in chairs. They have so much courage to get up everyday and go on with life, to battle through ridicule, discrimination, misunderstanding and lack of trust from others. Steph is one of the most intelligent people I know yet most view her as nothing more than her chair. I have been wanting to write about my friends in chairs for a while but I didn't know how to go about it with out hurting one of their feelings. I know though that Steph is strong and that she will appreciate me spreading the word that those in chairs, no matter the disability, are just like you and me. They feel the same passion and hurt, the same joy and regret... the same as you and me. I love them all so much and I hope by writing this that those who before thought down on those in chairs will rethink and realize that we are all alike more than we know.

New Phone!

New phone!!! I'm so excited right now because I finally got a new phone after 2 long years. My old phone was worn out and so scratched that I could hardly read the screen. I got a new Blackberry because when I go to China I have to have a phone that works over there. It is going to cost me more every month but I am willing to pay the extra if it means I will have a real phone. My sister (Amanda) made the comment when we were looking at phones that it was time we got big girl phones, and I couldn't agree more. My mom and sister got them the monday after easter and mailed me mine since I had to return to school on Easter. It came in today and I nearly screamed with overjoyment (if that is a word.)

Other than the new phone there is nothing much happening in my life.

Well no there is actually a lot happening. I got candidacy this week. This means that I am allowed to continue my education to become a teacher. It is the next big step in my formal education. I schedual classes for the last time tomorrow at midnight. Thank the Lord! I am so ready to be done with college. I was talking today to one of my old residents that used to live on my floor. She graduated and is working in Pittsburgh full time. She is in a position that she loves, has a long term boyfriend, her own apartment and free time to burn. I envy her so much but I realise that I will soon be in her shoes. The thought of my own apartment alone is rapturing! Well its midnight, I'm off to bed.

unfortunate Monday

Today is Monday. I have three classes today but am only going to one because I am extreamly ill. Last night I spent the whole night throwing up and now I am so sick I can hardly eat. My mother is very concerned but I am back in Edinboro so there is nothing that she can do. This past weekend was easter, which went pretty well. My little bit of family I have remaining in Pa came to the house and we had Easter lunch after church. It was a relaxing day and made me want the school year to be over even more. I can hardly wait for the summer. I have only a few weeks left in the semester.

Well I'm off to bed once more, hope to feel better soon.

Search of a most difficult kind.

So this week I am searching for a kitten. Most often in this area and back home people just find stray kittens and have no problem locating one. Actually people inherit them when they do not want them. We usually have 3 cats in the barn and right now we are down to one, and it isn't even friendly. So I told my mother that I was going to find a kitten to give my younger sister for easter. She said that was fine, and so my search ensued. It is Wen. now and I have to find one by Sat. Haven't had much luck yet but I shall not get discouraged! The search must go on!

Opposite of a "pack rat"

This past weekend was quite eventful, but I can't tell you until later. It is top secret! So now that you, I'm sure, are thoroughly intrigued, I will go on to the next topic at hand. My mother went with me to the mall this weekend back in my home town, since I was home to work. She had offered to buy me a new pair of work pants and I was not one to object. We ended up buying them at a scrub store, like for nurses, cause they work really well for the restaurant where I work. After getting those we stopped in at Old Navy. Old Navy is one of those stores that every one takes for advantage and never realizes what good quality they are getting for super cheap. I didn't notice until this weekend how practical the clothes they sell are. My mom ended up telling me to pick any thing out that I wanted so I got: three t-shirts, three tank tops, a pair of jeans, 8 pairs of socks, three pair of underwear, a pair of sleep shorts, a skirt, and a pair of really soft capris. This, surprisingly, is the biggest shopping spree I have ever been on and we were done in about an hour and spent 100 dollars. I like to shop for things that are not cloths. Like home decorating, art supplies and groceries. Clothes have never fit me right and I hate trying things on. If I find something that fits well I will buy like 10 of that item so that I won't have to shop again. I will buy one item here or there, but never do I just go out and buy a whole bunch of clothes. I think from now on I will go and buy plain t's and tanks with versitile jeans and shorts. I now have about 15 t- shirts, 8 tanks, 3 pairs of jeans and 6 skirts. This might not sound like a lot but I would wear any of these pieces any day. They are all comfortable and fit me well. Many people, my sister included (love you Manda!) have a plethora of clothes but they never wear them all. I, on the other hand, am a simpleton. I like to have the minimum and I do not hold on to things if I won't use them. I am quite the opposite of a pack rat.

Photo Shoot

Ifyou were to sign up for a history course that was titled "Ancient History of Rome" you would think that the content of the course would, most likely, contain information about Rome. I am in one such course and it is approximately 2/3 of the way to the end of the semester and we have yet to talk about Rome. I took the course because I had one elective space for my entire college career and I love Rome so I thought it would be a dandy idea to take a class in it. Not so much. I am now reading a book entitled "The Afghan Campaign", which granted is an excellent read and I would recommend it, except for the fact that it has nothing to do with Rome. It is quite infuriating.

Dispite the troubling class content confusion, I am having a delightful week. I completed a photo shoot for my photo one class and am quite pleased with the results. The project assignment was to shoot three rolls of film on the topic of "landscapes". Although I have no previous plight with landscapes, they are not my favorite. The human body is one of my favorites. So I decided to put my creative juices to good use and do a photo shoot on the landscape of the human body. The photos printed fantastically! I have posted several of my favorites here.

Pondering...

It is 3:05 am on Saturday. Why am I still awake you might ask? Well because I work as a resident assistant in one of the halls on campus. The front desk is staffed between 9 pm and one am by an RA and between one am and 6 am by a night assistant. The night assistant did not show up for their shift so now the RA's have to split up their time and watch the desk till 6 am. I have the 3-4 am shift. Needless to say I am not happy about this.

On a happier note, my parents and younger siblings came to visit me today. My house is 3 hours away from my school so I don't go home very often. They decided to come and see me and then go to an indoor water park nearby. It was nice to see them and it was a good use of what would have been a very boring Saturday. I think that they also enjoyed the trip. My younger siblings are always happy to see either me or my older sister because we give them the unending attention they crave. I love them so much and sometimes I regret that I will not be there while they are growing up. My youngest sister was 6 when I started college; still a baby. I will miss all of her teenage years. My older sister and I are 18 months apart. We grew up as best friends and experienced everything together. Who will be there for her to experience her teenage years with? Who will hold her hand on the way into the first day of Junior High and walk her to all her classes. To her I am going to just be that older sister that she never sees. I could very well be married and have children by then time she is in high school. She will tell her friends about her older sisters that are doing this or that. The poor dear. My brother as well will go through this, but I think not as harshly. He will be the one to say to his buddies on the football team "Ya I have two older sisters in college" just to impress them. He is taller than I am now, by almost 2 inches, and he is only 13. He is going to be a big boy and I have a feeling that he is going to break many girls' hearts throughout his high school career. Will I be there when Grace experiences her first kiss, her first car, her first love? Will I be there when Garret dances with his first girlfriend, when he gets accepted into college or joins the Marines, when he gets engaged. My family means so much to me, my siblings are my best friends. As we grow older how much am I going to miss out on? Where will I be? Will they remember to call and let Abby know the exciting news? Or will I just fade out of their lives like a toy that the novelty has worn off of.

I pray that we stay connected. When I have children some day I hope to give them middle names to match my best friends: Amanda, Garret and Grace.

print success!

Today is Thursday. Thank God! I have no classes on Fridays so Thursdays are like fridays to me. I slept in until noon today so I am fully rested and ready for the weekend. My parents are coming up to Edinboro to visit me this weekend so I have to be ready to entertain them. In my post yesterday I was expressing concern about the completion of my print project. Well I have finished it and I am exceedingly happy with the outcome. The design is engaging and the idea conveyed is exactly what I wanted it to be. I had mentioned the artist Darren Waterston and how much I enjoyed his work. His style is free and ever changing. I like the idea of art that is random and spontaneous. I might pursue this genre for a while.
On a larger scale, I am now thinking about going to Graduate School to get my masters. I'm not sure in what yet but I still have to think about it more. I am the type (if you hadn't noticed) that once an idea comes to my head I immediately set about doing it. I have to slow myself down sometimes and think. If I were to master in an art form, such as drawing, printmaking, metals, ect, I am not sure what I would choose. God has blessed me with average talent in every art form I have ventured into. I like the idea of mastering in art and teaching at a college level but again, I do not know what I would choose. I will have to put some more thought into it. I shall keep you posted on my progress.
My photo shoot is tomorrow for my landscape photography project. Instead of doing regular outdoor landscapes I decided to put a unique spin on it. My professor encouraged us to shoot what we feel is natural. My interpretation of this is the human body. Thus I recruited several of my friends to come to my room tomorrow so that I could photograph them. It is quite difficult, as you might imagine, to find people who are comfortable with being semi-naked and being photographed. I did find a sufficient number of people though and gave them all times to come. My one friend, Rebecca, is especially excited about it. She said that it has always been a dream of hers to be a nude model. I really appreciate he enthusiasm and I can't wait to photograph her.
Well that is all for now. I will post a picture of my completed print.

Print Difficulties.

I am an extreamly patient person when it comes to art. Which art being my major, it is a very good skill to posses. I can sit for hours on end working on a piece and not even notice. My life as of now is that of your average college art student, with late nights in the studio and more coffee than water in my blood stream. Besides God, I live for my art. These past few years I have been searching for my unique style, but for one such as myself (being superbly random and all) it is extremely difficult to stay with one.
I had print making class this morning at noon. Yes, noon is morning in college. So I go to class and of course since it is St. Patrick's day most of the students had started their drinking festivities the night before, causing attendance to suffer greatly. There was approximately 8 people out of 16 in class. The professor opts out of doing a demonstration on aquatinting and declares that it will be a work day. This caused an all around hoot of joy. Work days are golden to an art student; when you work on one piece of art in any given class for approx. 15 hours each, a 3 hour work period is heaven sent. I immediately ensue work on a freshly hardgrounded piece of metal. For Intaglio printing you take a piece of sheet metal and put a substance called o hardground n it. You then scribe thin lines in the hardground to expose metal. After all the lines are scribed you submerge the plate in acid and the exposed metal is eaten away, causing you scribed image to be indented into the surface. The metal plate is then cleaned of hardground and printed.
Today I had a fresh piece of metal, that was rather large and completely blank. To an artist, anything blank is positively exhilarating, a blank piece of paper, canvas, metal, clay... anything. So you can guess my excitement at having 3 hours to work on this blank piece of metal! I promptly plugged my ears with headphones, put on some classical piano and ensued work. I only rarely sketch ideas before putting them on a surface. I just let my brain explode onto the page. (not literally mind you) I began to sketch a horse. I scribed for about an hour and a half then took a break and then continued. By the end of class I had a completed form of a horse running majestically in the lower right corner of my metal sheet. The problem? I had 3/4 of the sheet left with nothing on it. I sat the last 15 minutes of class staring at it in despair. The high I had achieved from working was starting to ware off as I had a complete mental lapse for creativity. Do you remember taking any art classes when you had no idea what to draw or paint? You just sat there, like a lump, until the teacher came over and told you what to do. It is every artists worst nightmare. I silently prayed that the professor would venture over and assist me in my futile attempts. He eventually did and said that I eventually would figure something out. With this advise I started doing what I do best, being random! I doodled, listened to music, wrote a paragraph or two, when all of a sudden I saw a vivid image of a butterfly! So of course I immediately called the professor over and informed him that I would be filling the background with butterflies. He procured a book which contained the work of an artist named Darren Waterston. I loved his work and was ready to start up work again, but the class was over and I was due in wood-shop. I packed up and went to my next class.
I had two more studios (that equals 6 hours) before I could go back to my room. The whole time I thought of the print. I was tortured by the unfinished etching I carried with me the rest of the day. By the time I reached my room I was so bursting with ideas that I felt slightly nauseous.
Needless to say I spent the rest of the night scribing, at least until I needed to write and thus I started this blog.
I hope that tomorrow will be slightly less agonizing.

This is me.

So I have another blog for my trip to China next year, but I think I like this blog idea so I figured I would give it a try for my every day life. This is where I will put my thoughts, experiences and just ramble. I know that there probably won't be very many people who read it but I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. The blog is titled "My Average Lives..." because I feel like a act differently towards every person I know and come in contact with. My "lives" are different towards every person. This flaw I have become acutely aware of recently and I hope to reconcile it eventually... or maybe not. I am an on the fly type of person that has to have set plans. Just because I should fix it doesn't mean I actually will.
If any of my friends or acquaintances read this, I hope you will not find offense in it in any way. I still love you all.
I love classical music.
So I feel I should warn you, dear reader, that I am a very random person. I feel the urge to write whatever comes to my mind. This can some times cause difficult situations to arise. For example, I am sitting in History class and the professor mentions Mayan Temples so, naturally, I think of rain forest then animal then monkey then evolution then God and all of a sudden I feel the urge to write about God, or a story plot unfolds in my head about all or one of these things and I HAVE to write it down. So of course I do.
I love the sound of typing.
If you can deal with my randomness then you might find my life, or at least my way of thinking to be interesting. If not, then at least you will have a good laugh. But I will bore you no more with introductions, I bid you farewell and hope that you enjoy.